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Hi jrperry1882 and a big welcome to the Hoops and Dreams site.

I thought your piece contained good accurate, factual information whilst also relaying some some good opinion.

Not that I'm an expert but Tomcat 75 makes a good point about some of the words you are using. A lot has to do with who the article is being pitched at and I dont think Ive ever used the words, Juxtaposed, Maladroit or Egalitarian. My level is the Daily Mail and the Sun but that probably says more about the simple sole that I am.

Just my opinion but whilst the use of powerful and emotive language is good it's more about catching the readers’ attention so that they are encouraged to read on.

Hopefully, you write some pieces and get them published. Please continue to post on here because your views and opinions are very welcome.

Welcome jrperry1882!

Let me first say I appreciate you joining and sharing your article.

Now onto the analysis. No doubting it is a very well written and articulate piece. Reminds me of something you'd read in The Telegraph.

However, it sometimes feels a bit too "wordy" just for the sake of it...an analogy too far perhaps.

I liked this line with a nice sporting analogy *although I think it should have said we are glued to their wheels rather than the other way around as we are doing the chasing*:



However, this one in the same paragraph felt one too far.



The first one makes sense - we are right behind and trying to get past.

The second one I'm not even sure what the analogy is trying to say? 'Everybody else pitted'....does this mean we made signings and they didn't?

That last bit could easily have just said "The latter, fractionally ahead, remain overly-reliant on Ben Brereton-Diaz". Done. That's 11 words instead of 29 and is easier to read and says the same thing! It's nice to have an analogy every now and again, but this just goes too far.

I know you are trying to have the F1 theme throughout, which I like, but it always needs to stay relevant and it just goes a bit too far for me.

I really like this paragraph and what you are trying to do:



BUT it still feels like as much analogy as football analysis. It's meant to be a football article but the analogy just goes a tad too far. You could argue 2/3 of that paragraph have little to do with football. You can keep the F1 slant throughout the whole piece but just strip it back slightly.

It could easily be this and it still has your F1 slant



It just needs to be a bit more pithy at times.

Another good example is this:



I genuinely think the bit I've underlined could go. The paragraph is actually better ending with the "race to finish has finally commenced". That analogy is subtle. The rest is OTT.

Lastly, I don't think the title works. Given the F1 theme shouldn't the title tie in with? And maybe also hint at football? I don't think "Time to hold with the hare and hunt with the hounds" gives any indication of what is to come. I'm not suggesting it should be this but "The race for the flag" would be more suitable given the article to come as a quick example.


Overall I do like the F1 analogy running through, I like how you end with the champagne, it's a good angle. But be wary of overkill because readers will switch off their engines. Sorry. I'll get my coat.

Joe

i look forward to your next piece

and would be nice to see some comments on the forums also from you

if you take the time to read how we interact with each other thats the audience your dealing with

i wish you all the best Joe

im guessing your an Rs fan? if so.......


UUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSsssssssss

He is indeed a long-standing Rs fan @tomcat75 - Loftus Road end!