The Joke Thread

Husband: My wife Jill is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!


Sheriff: Her height?

Husband: I'm not 100% sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight ?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Colour of her eyes ?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sheriff: Colour of her hair ?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I honestly can’t remember.

Sheriff: What was she wearing ?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sheriff: What kind of car did she go shopping in ?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sheriff: What kind of truck was it ?

Husband: A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option,
LED lighting, reverse and front cameras, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate control trailing package
with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation and satellite radio....


At this point the husband started choking up.

Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you need to get hold of me I will be by the porch!

Picked up a hitch-hiker.
Seemed like a nice guy.
After a few miles, he asked
me if I wasn't afraid that he
might be a serial killer?

I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.

When I die I want the QPR players to lower my coffin into the ground

Just so that they can let me down one more time.

Yes very funny, he clearly believed the while thing and was trying not to offend anybody. The statue itself was hilarious!