A mafia godfather discovers that his accountant, Guido, has stolen $ 10,000,000 from him. His accountant is deaf and dumb and that was the reason why he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido could not hear anything would therefore never have to testify in court against the godfather!
When the godfather goes to face Guido on the missing $ 10,000,000, he takes his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather said to the lawyer: "Ask him where the money is." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido: "where is the money?"
Guido answers by signs: "I don't know what you want to talk about" The lawyer translates to the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you mean." The Godfather takes out a pistol, he puts it to Guido's head and says: "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer, using sign language, said to Guido: "He will kill you if you don't say it." Guido trembles and by signs replies: "OK ! You have won. The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind my cousin Bruno's shed which lives right next to the grocery store. "
The Godfather asks the lawyer: "What did he say?" Response from the lawyer: "He says you don't have enough balls to pull the trigger -0-0-
A little humour...
Winter morning a Belgian couple listens to the radio. Before getting up they hear: - We are announcing 10cm of snow today, so please put your cars on the even side of the street for snow removal! " The blond woman gets up, dresses hastily and goes to place the car on the even side.
The next day, they still listen to the radio which says: - We are announcing 15cm of snow today, so please put your cars on the odd side of the street for snow removal The woman gets up, hurries and goes to place the car on the odd side.
The next day, they listen to the radio again: - We are announcing 30 cm of snow today, so please put your cars ... krrrrrr hhhrrrrr ... bbzzz ... " And a blackout interrupts the broadcast.
The puzzled blond woman looks at her husband and says: - What am I going to do, he didn't say which side to put the car on? The man looks at her and then says to her, with a lot of compassion, but then with a lot, a lot, a lot of compassion: - And why don't you leave it in the garage today? " -0-0-
A young woman takes a small plane between two islands. It's just her and the pilot in the plane. Suddenly, the latter dies of a heart attack. Without panicking, she then issues a distress call: - Mayday! Mayday! Help ! Help! My pilot just had a stroke, he's unconscious! I don't know how to fly! Help!!
Almost instantly, she hears a voice over the radio: - This is the control tower, I received your message and I will tell you what to do to get you out of there. - Phew, thank you! - Now relax, everything will be fine. Give me your height and your position.
- I am 1 meter 70 and I am sitting in the front seat. - Okay, you're blonde aren't you? - Yes. - In that case, repeat after me: "Our Father, who art in Heaven ...
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'. The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote: 1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
I grew up on a farm, my Dad always told me to use the indoor toilet. But I always went against the grain.
I was attacked last night by a group of mime artists... they left unspeakable injuries
Today's Maths problem.... If George is 68 and his girlfriend is 22, how much money does George have ?
3 Wise Woman would have asked for directions, arrived on time, help deliver the baby, brought practical presents, clean the stable, made a casserole and there would be peace on earth.
Just heard that there will be a round of applause for courier and delivery drivers. It could be anytime between 9:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m. tomorrow.
Did you know Yul Brynner was a life long Liverpool fan and he never wore after shave in his life. That's right, Yul never wore cologne......
I'm opening a chain of Elvis steak restaurants... It's for people who love meat tender....
How does Moses make his coffee.... Hebrews it.....
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, I now have Heinzsight.....
Last Edit: Jan 9, 2022 16:47:42 GMT by northwesthoop
- That all those who admit that their wife dominates them move and sit on the left side
All the men in the church move to the left except one.
The pastor, happy that there is at least one strong man, asks him:
- How come your wife can't dominate you?
Then the man replies calmly:
- She's the one who told me not to move......!
=======
Two neighbours talk about their children.
- I have 5 grown children:
the eldest is a chemical engineer, the 2nd has had his doctorate in neurosciences, the 3rd is a food researcher, the 4th is a doctor of philosophy and the youngest is a thief..
- But why don't you drive him away?
- No way ! He's the only one bringing money home.
Everyone else is unemployed!
=======
A bishop was visiting a poor parish.
While visiting the presbytery, the bishop notices that there is only one bed in a single room upstairs.
- You only have one bedroom, he asks the priest.
- Yes Monsignor, we are too poor to enlarge the presbytery.
- But your servant, where does she sleep?
- Here, you know, we have a big well behaved dog and he sleeps between the two of us.
- But you must have temptations. What do you do then?
- When it happens to me, I get up, I go outside, I go around the presbytery, it passes and I come back.
- But your servant, she must have temptations too?
- When that happens to her, she's the one who gets up, goes outside to walk around
the presbytery and it passes her.
- But if you both happen to have a temptation at the same time?
- In this case, Monsignor, we send the dog to go around the presbytery 3 times…
==========
This is the story of a lawyer, father of 12 children who was always refused rental accommodation,
precisely because he had 12 children.
One day he told his wife to take a walk in the cemetery with eleven children.
He left with the twelfth to try to rent accommodation.
When the owner asked him if he had other children, the lawyer (who must never lie) replied:
"eleven others. They are in the cemetery with their mother".
The lawyer got his accommodation.
He then said to his son: "You see, there's no point in lying, it's just a matter of using the right words".
The son has become a politician… And he continues to fool everyone!
Post by northwesthoop on Jan 30, 2022 19:00:35 GMT
🔵⚪️🔵⚪️🔵⚪️🔵⚪️🔵⚪️🔵⚪️🔵⚪️🔵⚪️
I AM HERE TO SAY GOODBYE TO THIS FORUM, WHICH I LOVE SO MUCH, FOR A LITTLE WHILE! 😢 MY WIFE SAYS I AM ON HERE EVERY 60 SECONDS & SHE CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! WE ARGUED & SHE TOLD ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HER OR THE FORUM. SO I AM GOING TO BE OFFLINE FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES WHILE I PACK HER BAGS & CALL HER AN UBER! I'LL BE RIGHT BACK... 🔵⚪️🔵⚪️🔵⚪️🔵⚪️🔵⚪️🔵⚪️🔵⚪️🔵⚪️
I’ve got a new type of Sat Nav for us oldies. It tells you how to get to your destination,and why you wanted to go there!
I have applied for a new job cleaning mirrors. It's a job I can really see myself doing..
I went to the doctor's this morning and he told me that I was colour blind.... Well that came right out of the purple!
Took my wife to a fancy restaurant. We argued over who should get the bill. We'll never order duck again.
I was robbed at Tesco's petrol station earlier this afternoon. After my hands stopped trembling, I managed to call the Police. They were quick to respond and calmed me down because my blood pressure went through the roof! My money's gone, however. The police asked me if I knew who did it and I told them, "Yes, it was pump number 1.”
It's OK to talk to yourself, it's even OK to answer yourself, but when you ask yourself to repeat what you have just said, you have a problem......
March 2021 wasn't allowed to travel more than 5 miles. March 2022 Can't afford to travel more than 5 miles.
"Sarcasm will get you nowhere", my boss said to me. "well it got me to the International Sarcasm Finals in Santiago Chile" i informed him "Really" he asked, "No", i said.
Just been asked by a group of Teenagers outside Tesco's to get them 20 Richmond. I was alone so reluctantly agreed and got them. I handed them over and you should have heard the aggressive abuse they then gave me! So I told them straight "Next time get your own sausages!"
R.I.P Lester Piggot, his Funeral's next Wednesday, at 20/1....
When I was a kid I was scared of the dark. Now, as an adult having to pay Electric bills, I'm scared of the light.
Last night my wife wore a Police Uniform to bed and said "You're being charged for being good in bed" 90 seconds later the charges were dropped due to a lack evidence.
China have announced their new range of Meat Free snacks called "Not Poodle"
I lost two of my fingers in an accident! I said to the doctor “will I still be able to write with that hand?” He said. “Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it”.
I've just met a Chinese drug addict, "he said have you seen My Cocaine ?" I said "not since he starred in Zulu".
Every weekend I say to myself "Linda you have to stop drinking wine" Thankfully I'm not Linda.
When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and kill dragons not vacuum or wash dishes....
The fitness trainer asked me "What kind of a Squat are you accustomed to doing" I said "Diddly"....
I don't like to brag about mt wealth obviously. But yesterday I had my heating on for an hour !!!!!!!
A lorry has just overturned on the M6. He's deposited most of his load of onions all over the road, and cars are squashing them. Police are advising motorists to find a hard shoulder to cry on ...
Looking for a couple of gallons of Diesel, willing to swap for a Doctors Appointment..
I got so drunk last night; I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest.
I went to the Zoo yesterday and saw a Baguette in a cage. The Zoo Keeper told me it was bread in captivity.
I spent a fortune hiring a limousine. It came with no driver. Totally wasted my money & nothing to chauffeur it.
I used to go out with the girl who worked as the speaking clock. We split up and now she won’t even give me the time of day....
My friend was sent to prison last year for excessive burping. He’s finally been let out with a pardon.
My wife said to me yesterday "you really have no sense of direction, do you?" I said: "Where did that come from ?"
Post by northwesthoop on Oct 28, 2022 11:04:38 GMT
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair ....Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet forabout 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn.
She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to kill him with the chair'.......
