The Joke Thread

A German guy called Helmut approaches a lady of the night in London .
"I vish to buy sex viz you."
"Okay," says the girl, "I charge £50 an hour."
"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."
"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky for an extra £10."
Helmut agrees
So off they go the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
"I vant zat you tie zese springs to each of your hans und knees."
The girl finds this odd, but complies, fastening the springs as requested.
"Now you vill get down on your hans und knees."
This she duly does, balancing precariously on the springs.
"You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."
She thinks this even odder, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying).
But the sex is fantastic: honking away on the duck caller, she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally amazing! What do you call that position?"
"Zat," replies the German, "is the Four-sprung Duck Technique."

A Mancunian and a Scouser go into Greggs the baker's.

The Scouser nicks 3 pies and puts them in his pocket, then boasts to the Mancunian, "did you see that?" "The staff never even saw me."

The Mancunian says, "That’s nothing mate, watch this."

So the Mancunian goes back into the shop and says to the manager, "gimme a pie and I'll show you some magic," and eats the pie in front of him, and then does it twice more.

The manager says, "so, where's the magic in that?"

The Mancunian says, "go and check that scouser's pocket."

Tesco are selling 65" televisions for only £50....Just because there's a fault with the volume button....
But at that price you can't turn it down!


Just lost my job at the quarry, it's my own fault, I shouldn't have taken it for granite.



Its been a funny sort of day. First I found a hat full of money. Then I got chased by a man with a guitar.



Just seen this sign: If you're here for the yodelling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue

Tiers for fears...

My mate said my ex girlfriend is getting the covid jab this week 
I said she wont feel any pain from the injection, she’s already had a few pricks this week 

I asked the missus what she wanted for Valentines. She said, "I'll give you a clue. Think of the surname of an ex-England goalkeeper."

She's expecting Flowers...

She's getting Seaman!

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To all you beautiful sexy ladies, Happy Valentines Day!

To all you fat birds, chin up it's Pancake Day on Tuesday!

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Last Valentines Day I surprised my wife by getting romantic...

Best Scrabble score I've ever had!

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As it's Valentines Day the missus has said she'll go on top tonight for a change...

I love our bunk beds!

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Going to have to take the wifes Valentines present back. She said she wanted something black and lacy...

Turns out she didn't mean football boots!

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The wife just asked me whether I love football or her the most...

I said, "Open your legs and I will show you."

So I nutmegged her!

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Thinking of giving the wife some roses for Valentine’s Day...

Should I give her 6, 12 or just the whole tin?

Felt uncomfortable driving into the cemetery. The Satnav blurted out "you have reached your final Destination"




My wife just opened my car door for me,
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.....




My pet rat Elvis has just died,
He was caught in a Trap.....




What has two wings and an arrow ?
A Chinese telephone !!!
"Wing Wing" "Arrow"




The man who invented predictive text has been involved in a road accident,he's been bacon by ambiance to the horse piddle.




A ship at sea carrying red paint has collided with anothet carrying a purple paint, both crews of thought to be marooned.




A tragic accident happened today that ended Plastex the amazing plastic man, he sat on a radiator and made a complete Pool of himself.




The Manager of a Clock Factory was reported to the Police for threatening behaviour, a good friend of his said he was so easy to wind up.......




Boris Johnson has announced plans to make it harder for people to claim benefits, from next week all forms will be printed in English......




Welsh police have warned the infamous cross-eyed burglar is on the loose, if you see a man looking in your window, warn the people next door